Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I believe in your delicious
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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