Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
