The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
