umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
