Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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