Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
