im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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