Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
