life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
