dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
