You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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