i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So much rum. So many feels.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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