you guys were way drunker than both of me
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
