I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
