I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
