Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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