I just threw up on my dentist
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
