i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
