I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
