Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
