Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
