So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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