woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
