Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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