Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
