I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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