you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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