You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
