she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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