ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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