At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
