Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
