I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
