so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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