I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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