i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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