One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
