No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
