Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
this will be a night to untag.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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