I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
