True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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