the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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