I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
