I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
should my penis look like a turkey
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
