apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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