he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
