Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
