When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
