he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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