Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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