That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
