I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
